Busting the Top 5 Relationship Myths
Our cultural childhood mythology has been built on fairytales, sitcoms and Disney movies. We are spoon-fed the romanticized ideal of “true love”.
That some enchanted evening, we will stumble across “the one” that sweeps us off our feet, with one tense moment of conflict, only to realize that it was an innocent miscommunication all along, their heart never wavered… and we live happily ever after….
Really, no details in between that… no mundane, no crappy jobs or insensitive bosses, no sleepless nights or sick kids, dentist appointments or dog puke on the carpet, no messy stuff, no disgusting habits, no conflicts, no icy stand offs.
It’s no wonder we don’t deal well with this sort of thing.
While the whole thing seems kind of ridiculous to believe, this cultural narrative is so prevalent and invasive that it imprints into our primal brain at a very young age (and guess which brain chooses our partner).
Myth #1
Somewhere out there is your “perfect” soul mate, “the one” – you just have to find them.
The Truth
There is no single “perfect” person. We are ALL imperfect; our partners come to us with a backpack loaded with old conditioning, wounds, traumas, beliefs, and baggage. The most harmful thing we can do is entertain the fantasy that there might be someone “out there” that will not trigger, annoy or upset us. Some other person that would never say or do the stupid, disgusting or thoughtless things that our partner sometimes does.
If you are even reasonably compatible, and both willing to work on your relationship, then there is a pretty good shot that you can have not only an amazingly fulfilling relationship, but also, the best opportunity for growth, learning and evolution that you could find.
Myth #2
If it’s the “right” relationship, it will be easy.
The Truth
Part of the stages of relationship includes an idyllic “falling-in-love” time…. Like a honeymoon period, where all other life seems to fade into the background and meeting each other’s needs seems exhilaratingly delightful. This phase will pass as life intrudes on the blissful exchange and we find that they too, are flawed human beings, much like us.
Relationships are work. That might seem abrasive to people that only see work as required, difficult demeaning exchange of hours for money. Rather it is meant more as vocation… it is a commitment, it takes an investment of your heart and soul, there will be times of difficulty and challenge, it will test you, it will grow you, it will ask you to show up fully, to change, to evolve, to become more of yourself.
To think that “if it isn’t easy, it isn’t right”, is avoiding the challenge that has been put in front of you. Whether you stay in the relationship or not… what you learn in meeting the difficulty will carry forward with you regardless.
Myth #3
Happily Ever After
The Truth
Life is not about arriving at passive complacency, we are always evolving. The quality of your relationship will always reflect what you are willing to put in, what you are willing to invest.
If you avoid intimacy, avoid the challenging conversations, repress the difficult emotions, don’t share all of yourself, then you can exist in a partnership, but it will never be a deeply fulfilling relationship.
Which brings in another myth. The measure for relationship success is based on quantity instead of quality. You can have a marriage that lasts 40 years that is riddled with dysfunction and disconnection, or a relationship of two years that is rich in passion, connection, love and evolution.
Great relationships take investment and consistent practice.
Myth #4
That the passion and sex dwindle and fade over time
The Truth
Long-term relationship balances a paradox of love and desire. Love is all about security, stability, predictability and safety, while desire is about mystery, the unknown, thrill, adventure and excitement. We can find ourselves in the comfort of love; and lose connection with desire. But this is in NOT a foregone conclusion.
When we are in new relationship, the desire is fueled by insecurity, fear of impermanence, unpredictability, and “does this person really like me?”. What becomes available to us in long-term relationship is the safety and security necessary to explore new heights of sexual expression and sensation. Unhindered by a need to perform, or fear and insecurity, we can experience a state of total surrender necessary to get to realms of the sacred.
The best sex of your life could be in front of you.
Myth #5
That you should be having sex __X__ times per week, month in order to have a healthy relationship.
The Truth
There is no gold standard for the amount of times you have sex with your partner. This is a completely personal choice that can only be determined between you and your partner. There are no “shoulds” and there is no “normal”. We are all unique.
Finding the balance between you and your partner is tender and vulnerable territory. Give yourselves permission to talk openly about it, and excavate the beliefs you are carrying with you. There is nothing that kills sex more than one partner feeling obligated. Be open to each other’s fears and desires. Just talking about it in an honest and vulnerable way can build trust, compassion and understanding.
No More Criticism
Can you guess the one simple habit that is dousing the flames of desire with your partner?
When you are trying to stoke the fire of warmth and connection, there is one thing that will always act like a bucket of ice water and leave everyone feeling cold, icy and miserable…. And we all do it… criticism.
While we may have convinced ourselves that by pointing out what is wrong, it will get us what we want. It never does. This is a very young part of ourselves that believes this is a valid strategy.
Looking from a broader perspective, when people point out your flaws, shortcomings, and what you are doing wrong, do you feel motivated to shift and change it?
No, it triggers a defensive response to which we generally react instead of respond. It leaves you feeling hurt, incompetent and resentful. This starts, or adds to, a negative spiral that drives an ever-widening wedge between us.
Behind every criticism and complaint is a request that is not being expressed cleanly or clearly.
There is something that we want; like ‘would you please vacuum the front entrance?’, but there is also part of us that wants to avoid the vulnerability of asking, or feels like we don’t have the right to ask for whatever reason…
Asking IS vulnerable, your partner might say no, and you open yourself to the sting of rejection or feelings of abandonment, loneliness or unworthiness. So we bypass those feelings, and start to build a case of why we should have what we want without having to ask. In fact we can do such a good job of gathering evidence that it shifts us completely from vulnerability, to feeling entitled to demand what we want.
So instead of cleanly or clearly asking, we mask it behind a complaint or criticism… you never vacuum… you always track your dirty shoes in from outside and leave a huge mess that you never clean up.
You might very well be right, but it will not get you what you want.
Only when we are willing to look at what do you really want? Do you want to enlist the help of your partner, or is there part of you that unconsciously wants to punish them?
The next time that you feel find yourself wanting to criticize your partner…. Pause… take a few deep cleaning breaths… feel into the hidden request, and just try vulnerably asking. It may take a while to shrink that wedge, but it’s so worth it to stop throwing the ice water, and start stoking the fire instead. <3
5 secrets that will make you fall in love with your partner all over again
When we get into a long-term relationship, it’s very easy for us to get caught into a routine. We have a primal need for love, belonging, security and intimacy. We also have a need for desire, which is more about mystery, adventure, thrill, and aliveness.
How we juggle these two opposing needs will dictate how fulfilled we can be in our relationship over time.
Love is all about certainty, security and predictability… especially if you have kids as well. This is a foundation. Unfortunately what comes with all of that is blandness, routine and the mundane. Passion, aliveness and fire have been replaced by exhaustion, duty and obligation.
So how can we lift the obligation, cut ourselves loose and experience more fire and freedom.
#1 Priority
Our lives can be like managing the triage units… taking care of the most pressing things first. Making time for intimate connection with our partner is usually shunted to the very bottom of the list, if it makes the list at all, before we fall into bed exhausted and start the whole thing tomorrow.
If we don’t make it a priority, believe me, a huge open block of time and space is not going to miraculously appear. If we want to have more passion, more connection, more aliveness with our partner, we have to be willing to invest in it. It can’t actually be one more thing you try and squish in to an already bursting schedule. Rather really assessing what would you be willing give up off of the list in order to make time for it?
#2 Curiosity
What makes us feel safe and in control is predictability, so we convince ourselves we know all there is to know about our partner. We put them in a box… but they are not static, and neither are we. When we take ourselves out of the comfort of the known… we can discover loads of new things about our partner. Make the time to get out of your regular routine and have conversations about topics other that logistics, or what’s most pressing right now. Highlighting our differences, and creating a little distance between us actually creates a magnetic pull toward each other.
# 3 Connection
In the age of multi-tasking and being pulled in many directions, it’s very easy to go through many of our interactions without being genuinely present or connected. While it sounds ridiculously simple; making the time and intention to focus on what your partner is saying, stopping all other tasks, letting go of all the other things you may be holding in your head, and genuinely listening, can have a profound impact on your feelings of connection.
# 4 Communication
While we have so many interactions with our partner in a day, we don’t always make the time to genuinely communicate our deepest desires and fears. In general, we exist day-to-day skating on the surface, and rarely diving in past logistics and practical conversations. It feels scary to be vulnerable, and to share things that could potentially upset our partner or have them reject or diminish the things we hold close to our heart. AND… rather than thinking you might upset the apple cart, think of it as creating the glue that can hold you together.
Set the time, create the space, and take turns to openly share your fears, hopes and desires with one another.
#5 Sexual Intimacy
While our sexuality is not always a metaphor for our whole relationship, often, it is. It’s something that probably came easily at the beginning of the relationship, and chances are as the warmth of familiarity and comfort have grown over the years of shared experience, the fire of lusty passion has dwindled, if not fizzled out completely.
Sex is where we are most physically vulnerable and connected. These interactions send us straight to our bodies and primal brain, and we cannot underestimate the power of physical connection. When we can be genuinely present with each other, feeling safe and held to fully surrender to expansive sensations of pleasure with each other, letting go of all self-consciousness and need to perform, this will certainly ripple into and enrich our whole relationship tremendously.
Surprising strategy to get your partner to meet your needs
If you have been a relationship for a while, you probably wonder how do I get my needs met?
Early on in relationship when we are just falling in love, there is a sort of honeymoon cocoon that we are blissfully encapsulated inside. It’s exhilarating and fulfilling to meet our partner’s needs and having them meet our needs… everything else in life seems to fall away as we are swept away entranced and intoxicated by the charms of our perfect partners.
Eventually life begins to creep in and a growing wedge comes between us as we feel hurt and resentful that our partner not only seems to have more needs themselves, but they are not valuing our needs in the same way they once did… it almost feels like they are purposely withholding from us, so we begin withhold as well.
While the volume and level of this power dynamic can be subtle or pronounced… it’s a normal stage in relationship development. There is NO shame in being here. It’s totally natural and the more compassionately aware and accepting we can be about it, the easier it is to pass through.
So if you have been caught in this, you have probably noticed that steadfastly demanding your partner to meet your needs has not been working so well for you.
There is a different way… it’s counter-intuitive, but works like a damn!
Getting our own individual needs met is our cultural paradigm, however, based on the findings and science of Stan Tatkin and Harville Hendrix, we are foundationally relational beings.
A relationship is greater at than simply two individuals together… there is the space between. The relationship itself is it’s own entity that requires nourishment and investment from both partners.
Rather than focusing on getting our own needs met, we invest in the relationship. By giving to each other, we strengthen the bond between.
Given that both partners are looking for more love, communication and connection, then give this investment strategy a try.
1. Start with a list.
Each of you think of 10-20 little things that your partner could do that would make you feel loved and cared for… like having your partner make you coffee in the morning, give you a back rub, or clean up after dinner (you want to have a large amount on your list so your partner has many things from which to choose).
2. Trade your lists and commit to doing just one or two things per day for the next two weeks.
It could be the same things over and over, or different things from the list every day. Again, it’s important that each partner has choice.
3. Observe what happens.
While it might feel like a chore at first, you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by how your relationship evolves.
I would LOVE to hear your comments, experiences and questions. Please let me know by replying to this e-mail.
Relationship Enlightenment–Is it possible?
Can you guess the number one secret to relationship enlightenment?
Whatever is happening is the path to enlightenment. – Pema Chödron
When we experience relationship problems, disconnection, arguments, or general malaise or dissatisfaction, we often look outside ourselves for solutions, answers or quick fixes.
Sometimes we blame our partner…
…If they were just different, better in some way, better at listening, better at noticing, more caring, compassionate, attentive, thoughtful… then we wouldn’t be feeling this way.
Maybe we think by getting advice, taking a workshop or course, reading a book, becoming more mindful, meditating, or by having our partner do all of these things, then the situation will be different.
As someone that has invested thousands of hours looking for the answers outside of myself, let me assure you…
- There is no amount of blaming that will shift what’s happening – it will only make things worse
- While advice, courses, books, and workshops are helpful, they will not bring lasting resolution
- There is no quick fix
The path to your freedom and enlightenment is right in front of you… tied up in a package of annoying things that drive you crazy.
Renowned relationship expert, Harville Hendrix, in his iconic book Getting the Love you Want, explains that we choose our partner, not just by their charming sense of humor, or dashing good looks. Rather, there is an unconscious primal part of us that is actively assessing, calculating, finding a partner that mirrors or matches the best and worst traits of our primary caregivers. This part of us is unconsciously longing to finally get our unmet childhood needs met.
So you might think, yikes… that’s a lot to take in…. yes, it is. And what that also means is that the partners we choose hold the keys to our greatest growth and potential on our journey toward wholeness, enlightenment, ease and freedom.
You may be asking “What”?! How can the way my partner leaving the dirty dishes in the sink lead me to wholeness?
Well, when we are willing to pause…
…Stop ourselves from responding in a habitual way… maybe to criticize, demean, guilt, shame, yell, or just do it in a martyred way only to freeze him out later with resentment and passive aggression…
Pause…
Take a few breaths…
Yes, you have a solid case… you HAVE told him hundreds of times after all.
For the sake of the relationship, can you let go of being right, and just soften and feel into what is being hurt or offended in you? Maybe it’s an aspect of self that feels unseen, unheard, uncared for, invisible, disrespected. Then courageously speak with vulnerability about your feelings. Not with an energy to be right, or to make him wrong, but to be in open communication.
While it might take some patience, and a few tries… you DO likely have a pattern… and it takes a while to create a new one… eventually, with time and patience, when we show up without a shield an sword, we find our partner stops bring theirs as well. This is where genuine healing, love and connection can begin to take place. Ultimately it’s these interactions, where we show up with our genuine desires and needs and speak up powerfully and vulnerably with our partner; it will lead us to enlightenment and wholeness.