It’s taken a long time for me to untangle my compulsion for busyness, perfection, never saying no, over-giving, over-committing to the point of exhaustion and martyrdom.
Our culture values hyper achievement, productivity and consumerism, fueled by our fear of missing out. It is almost impossible to NOT get swept up in the ever-increasing velocity of our day-to-day lives.
While we may believe our busyness is only having an impact on us, it takes its toll not just on our own peace and sense of well being, but on our ability to be present and connected with anyone in our lives.
This vlog is about understanding why we are so drawn to busyness, its origin, pay-off and the steps to becoming disentangled from its siren song. 🙂
When we have been together with the same partner for many years, we seem to flip flop from feeling deficient, like we should be having amazing sex and we aren’t, and resignation, like having inspiring, exciting sex is just a thing of the past.
A lot stems from a belief that sex should be “natural”, and it’s either good, or it isn’t. Instead of sex being, like anything else, more of a practice. Something that you get out of what you put into it.
I remember listening to Dr Christiane Northrup talk about women in menopause having the best sex of their lives, she joked that it was usually with a new partner… only to explain that you need to become a new partner.
We can get lulled into comfort in our long-term relationships. When we are willing to open up to re-inventing ourselves and seeing our partner in a new way, it can fling open the doors to new levels of intimacy and ecstasy.
Enjoy these seven tips to breathe new life into your long-term relationship.
School’s out and our recently licensed 17 year-old son jumped in his car and drove 6 hours to spend an undetermined amount of time to hang out with friends and cousins. Powered by youth, freedom and independence he pulled out of the driveway leaving me in a wake of shock, awe, and a whole lot of “how did I get here?”
Of course the parent-child relationship has these inevitable thresholds that we all traverse as they move from complete dependence to self-reliance, and our relationship evolves from care-giver to gracefully releasing them with our unwavering love for who they are continually becoming (well… that’s what it looks like on a good day anyway 😉
It struck me that we don’t have this same type of consistent pressure in our long term relationships. Sure, there are big life transitions that we must navigate, but for the most part, we seem to seek a comfortable place, and kinda want to stay there… a bit complacent… we are not so keen to rock the boat or reinvent ourselves, question our identity and our partner’s identity. We trade in the inevitable evolution, adventure and excitement in favour of safety, stability and predictability.
This week’s vlog is about how we can start to let go of who we have become and open up to a more expansive and fulfilling life and relationship. J
Have you ever felt yourself withholding love, connection, affection or sex from your partner until they change, act or behave differently?
If they’ve done something hurtful, have you really forgiven them, or do you find yourself still holding on just a little to lord over them in order to get your way?
Do you find yourself just being a bit critical or dissatisfied toward your partner and you don’t really know why?
If you recognize yourself in any or all of these… you may be holding your partner hostage. Your sense of well-being is shackled to who they are being and what they are doing.
Watch this week’s vlog to recognize if you’ve been holding your partner hostage (or they’ve been holding you) and see how to release yourselves to feel more freedom, connection and intimacy.
Do you sometimes feel like your partner doesn’t listen to you? Like they are not respecting you?
This week the dog triggered that same lack of feeling respected…
Watch and find out how to navigate the feelings that arise when we feel so right, and cannot understand how anyone could possibly see it differently. Learn how to unhinge your sense of well-being on being understood by your partner and land feeling more respected and more empowered in your relationship.
If you have time could you pick up some milk on your way home?
What’s wrong with asking our partner like this?
Well it’s not actually asking. It’s a way of expressing what we want… with an exit strategy to avoid the potential pain if our partner says no.
Why do we do this? Because it’s vulnerable to ask… they could say no… and that’s a trigger for almost all of us.
When we avoid the genuine ask, we avoid the vulnerability, but we also rob ourselves of the potential for more open loving connection, gratitude and creating the safe container to share our deepest desires and dreams together.
Are you getting the love you want is a common question… we never seem to talk much about receiving the love you want.
Well because we grow up believing that receiving is a given, it’s easy – a no brainer… yet when we really look at it… most people are horrible receivers.
Genuine receiving is not even on our radar… because to genuinely receive requires surrender of control and vulnerability.
Ground rules for receiving when I grew up were to graciously say thank you for what ever you are given – even if you don’t like it, and you didn’t even want it. Absolutely don’t want or ask for anything because that’s pushy, bossy and greedy and it’s way better to give anyway.
So how do we navigate around that?
Whether it’s actually articulated or not, we learn to stay safely in transaction. I do this thing for you, and you do this thing for me and vice versa; easy, with no feelings of indebtedness, guilt, discomfort, resentment or bitterness.
Trouble is it keeps us bouncing between entitled or unworthy. Neither state allows us to be in connection or fulfillment.
Recently a dear friend gave me a beautiful quilt that she made for me. The thoughtfulness of exactly what I would love, the gesture, the care, the hundreds of hours of painstaking work that went in to it… it was overwhelming.
It gave me the opportunity to dive deeply into what gets in the way of welcoming in the love and abundance of life, and how truly receiving organically fills you to overflowing.
This guy (my son 😉 has spent thousands of hours on his bike careening down rocky faces in every type of weather. So a trail or section that would absolutely terrify me… isn’t even scary for him.
Yet when we see stuff that’s way out of our comfort zone, we often jump to the conclusion that they might be just a bit crazy or reckless. We don’t always recognize that’s our perspective – which is totally true for us from where we are standing… though it’s likely not their perspective.
Why’s this important?
We are drawing these conclusions ALL THE TIME in our relationships. And then take our assumptions as facts, getting so attached and identified with them, so that when people have a different perspective, we feel threatened and defensive. This defensiveness has us disconnect and grow further apart, with less understanding of each other.
This week’s vlog is about recognizing that there is no threat from opening fully to other people’s perspectives. We expand our understanding and deepen our connection. <3
7 steps to take you from agitation back to connection
Inevitably our long term partner gets on our nerves and we end up feeling snappy, we might have a simmering resentment that we can trace it back to, but sometimes we don’t even know where it’s coming from… we just feel curt and short-tempered like we are walking on the narrows of disconnection between annoyance and full blown argument.
I know this rabbit hole all too well, so here are some steps to shift gears and switch up the path and explore a new landscape.
Every relationship that we have is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Questioning our habitual patterns of behaviour impact not just on us, but on every person around us.
This week’s vlog is about the vortex of chaos and overwhelm that we can create around us when we are stressed or trying to avoid the discomfort of examining these very beliefs and patterns.
This past week, I found myself in a tangle of emotion with the new baby chicks on the farm. I was completely swept up in a hurricane of urgency, busyness and overwhelm; the force of it wreaking havoc and damaging relationships in its path.
Watch to find out the ways we get caught and steps to take to disengage when you find you’re being carried off.